When we have been a relationship for a long period of time, it’s really easy to lose sight of our own individuality. We can slip into operating so tactically to get through all the day to day tasks with kids, work and activities. Life becomes hectic and hard.
As women we tend to change the focus from ourselves to others and making sure that everyone is healthy happy and connected. But this over time comes at a personal cost. The personal cost is a slow tiny ache that starts to manifest in your gut. It shows up from time to time – it’s like something is missing but you can’t put your finger on it. Because it doesn’t show up all the time so we tend to dismiss it.
Over time however the ache becomes stronger and stronger until we have no choice but to address it. We try to overcompensate in other areas by doing more and more for others in the hope that it will just go away so we can feel better.
Our personal relationship starts to deteriorate and we become disconnected from each other. The only thing that keeps it together is the activity in the family unit. Relationship personalities can start to play out in destructive ways.
It’s at this point we start to feel we have lost our own identity. Some of the traits that can occur are weight gain, recurring health issues that just don’t seem to want to go away, becoming tired and lethargic, lack of drive or motivation, increase in drinking alcohol, low physical intimacy are only a few.
We don’t laugh any more. We don’t feel joy or feel satisfied. We can start to withdraw and become isolated and sad. We ponder and wonder whether this is our lot. We feel like we are done. There’s nothing left to give. We don’t say what we really mean. We become dishonest with ourselves.So what’s going on?It’s simple. It’s our own identity. It’s been dormant for so long that it needs to come out. The slow ache becomes over time a strong knock on the door. It keeps knocking until you take notice. One of the reasons we don’t take notice is because we feel fear that something big may change and it’s usually the state of our current relationship.Why should we let it out?
The crazy thing is that this is WHO we are. We have an energetic imprint – that’s our DNA and if we can’t be our own human being – if we shut it out or down we shut down our own uniqueness and brilliance.
If we let it out and awaken to owning it, the crazy thing is we become so much happier. Yes – we may make some different decisions about life and what we are doing, but these are the decisions that impact on everyone around us anyway.
People want to see us full of zest for life, reclaiming our brilliance and owning who we are. We find life becomes so much better.
To stay with the knocking is limiting yourself.
After being together with my husband for 17 years, I separated a little over a year ago and on reflection, I heard the knocking but I didn’t want to address it. I have now and my life has changed significantly. It’s not about moving into other things or relationships but rather it’s about creating a strong healthy relationship with myself – one of total self love and self acceptance. I don’t see my past as a failure, far from it, I see it as a chance to let my identity out and to embrace all the opportunities to the fullest.
Has it been hard? Heck Yes. Is it still hard? Yes. But I know that I have done the right thing. There is no more knocking. I won’t allow myself to lose my identity ever again. I love who I am. I am a better person because I can well – be just Me all the time. I am a stronger mother. I am stronger business woman. There’s no drama, games, power plays or agendas. I know that I am in right place for me right now. That’s powerful. I am laughing a lot. I smile. I feel joy again.
If you find yourself resonating with this or know that you are at the crossroads check in with yourself and ask these 4 questions:
1. How strong is the ache or the knocking and how long has it been there for?
2. What areas are you missing or yearning for?
3. What do you want and what are you willing to let go of or compromise to get it?
4. Am I prepared to do what I need to do and let the process take its course – no controlling or manipulating outcomes or expectations.
Then it’s really up to you. You get to choose whether to finally address the knocking.